Post by Master Yoda on Sept 22, 2005 16:37:29 GMT -5
Was this country boy out in the county... one morning he runs into the kitchen and ask his ma whats for breakfast. His mama said, you know they rules, no breakfast before chores. So the boy heads out to feed the chickens and as hes feeding them he kicks one just cause hes pissed. Now this farm boy is something of a smart ass little punk and he don't like being forced to do his chores in the morning so hes just mad at the world. He heads over to the pens and starts feeding the hogs and he hauls off and gives one a good kick. Next he goes into the barn to milk the cows. When hes done milking he gives the last cow a good kick just for the hell of it. He then runs back to the house and blops down at the table for his breakfast. His mom puts a bowl of dry cereal in front of him. The boy ask wheres the eggs , wheres the bacon or milk. His mother looks sternly at the farm boy and starts to tell him that she watched him doing his chores and saw him kick the chicken so no eggs for him for a week, she said I saw you kick them stupid pigs so no bacon and I stood right here and watched you kick that milk cow so there will be no milk for you for aweek! About that time the boys father comes into the kitchen and kicks the cat clear across the room... the boy looks up at his mother and ask, "you gonna tell him or should I ?"
Post by Master Yoda on Sept 25, 2005 11:07:12 GMT -5
The other day I stopped by the Pump N Much down in Montgomery Co, North (by God) Carolina to say "hey" to Junior jr... hes the owner and operator of the PnM like his daddy Junior Sr did before him. Ol Bubba, Cooter and Lester were sitting in the couch on the front porch just looking bad... they were looking as sad as if their coon dogs had died. I asked what was wrong and once they stopped crying ol Bubba started tell me how he thinks his wife is cheating on him.... I asked what made him think that and he told me how he found a pair of wire cutters under the bed and they weren't his... so he thinks his wife has been fooling around with an electriction... I tell him how sorry I was to hear that when Cooter speaks up and says, "hid wife is fooling around with a plumber cause he found a pipe wrench under his bed that don't belong to him. Lester starts crying his eyes out again and is carrying on like the day the Great #3 went to the Big race in heaven.... So I asked him who he thought his wife was fooling around with... Lester looks up and crys its not a who its a horse my wife is fooling around with. At this point mu mouth is hanging open ... I ask him what you mean a horse!?... What makes you think your wife is cheating on you with a horse? So he tell us how one morning he was just about to walk out of the bedroom when he heard something moving under the bed. So he looks under the bed and find a jockey hiding under it.
Last Edit: Sept 25, 2005 11:12:20 GMT -5 by Master Yoda
Post by Master Yoda on Oct 1, 2005 14:19:47 GMT -5
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" . 12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,. 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Two red necks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of beer. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookie thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers !
Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?, said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put the labels on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'?"
" No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels...
Post by Master Yoda on Dec 10, 2005 15:30:41 GMT -5
I was down in Montgomery Co again... (been spending too much time down there!) when I saw a crowd gathering in front of the catholic boys school they got there. So being as I wasn't in a hurry I stopped and took me a look at what had happen before the sheriff got there and chased everyone away. Seems somebody hit one of them catholic boys with their pick-up truck as the boy was crossing the road. I moved up to see how bad it was and it wasn't too bad, the boy was busted up but didn't look like he was gonna die. I was just about to go back to my truck when the guy that hit the boy ran up and told him just to lay still until the ambulance gets there. He asked the boy if he wanted someone to run and get a priest. The boy looked up at the man and asked him how he could think of sex at a time like this.
Post by Master Yoda on Dec 11, 2005 10:20:44 GMT -5
Yep another adventure from Montgomery Co. North (by God) Carolina, home of the Pump and Munch, asked for by name.
I was hanging around the PnM shooting the chit with Jr and trying to get a deal on some tnt hes got stashed in the back when Spider starting telling Hotfoot about what happen at his place last christman... the following is Spider's account'
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the Dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
Post by Master Yoda on Dec 20, 2005 4:42:29 GMT -5
On a hot blistering summer day, a redneck cowboy comes riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman comes into the bar and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat, he's cool cause I got'im tied under the shade of the tree." The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." No way", the redneck cowboys says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin". Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! you don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!" The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"
Post by Master Yoda on Jan 17, 2006 21:27:54 GMT -5
A Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
" Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Post by Master Yoda on Jan 20, 2006 13:00:31 GMT -5
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